Our web professionals here at Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd have been diving deep into why so many can not enjoy our feature site. Well, after careful, rigorous examination of our meta data and statistical analysis, we have found that Google has purposely blocked, non-indexed or excluded over 90% of ChainsawChicken.com
“Non-sense”, expounded Chainsaw. “We’ve been on the web since 2005!”
When we use the required Google Search Console needed to view their own results, it is more than dramatic. Right before our eyes!
It seems that of the hundreds of pages on our site, only 97 of those pages are indexed. Indexing means that the words, titles, tags,… even the photos and their title are available or listed an any search someone might make. Non-indexing means that they simply don’t exist in the Google Universe, which they maintain is omniscient.
And because other search engines generally rely on Google results, we are not there as well. Not in Yahoo, DuckDuckGo, Neeva, Gibiru and even Bing.
Yup! I must have hit a nerve or at least a tender spot and pissed off someone.
So we do what any reasonable, trusting, obedient site owner would do. We try to play the game. We requested that Google’s bots and robots review our request to be reindexed and be included in any search requests that it might appear. Mind you, we are limited to submitting only ten page links a day and they have to be done one at a time while being challenged repeatedly with validator squares requiring you to pick out the fire hydrants, traffic lights and so on. All very time consuming.
But, each time we made requests, even MORE pages were not indexed! Here is just the last few times, seen below.
Once we reviewed all the failures we tested each and every web page against Google’s own ‘tester’ to make sure that there wasn’t an error in coding. Low and behold… every single page tested approved and were resubmitted, again, at ten in a day.
Yet they are still shown as Discovered or Crawled yet not listed!
One of our senior tech programmers pointed out that we are premium members of the most qualified and trusted SEO provider available, called Yoast. They are based in Northern Europe. After a week of back and forth emails posing questions and answering issues, their final statement was…
"I performed some tests to verify that all was ok.
I performed a "site:https://chainsawchicken.com/" search, and we found that it is being indexed by Google: About 136 results (0.23 seconds).
I checked the site in the Mobile-Friendly Testand got a good result. If Google can run the mobile-friendly test for the domain, Google can also spider the domain.
Your sitemap is output as we expected.
All the Yoast Schema markups are shown as we expected (see the attached image).
We haven't found any Schema error inspecting your site with the Schema Validator tool.
Your site is eligible for rich results, as confirmed by the Rich Result Test tool here.
So, nothing prevents your site from being indexed and ranking well. I also had a look at some of the links and I do not see why the URLs are not indexed. "
Timing my be the issue. Let’s see… Hmmmmm…It appears that the vast majority of the “missing links” it appear to generally happen after February 2020. What happened then?
Covid? It was already going. So what else?… Let me think… “Look man! I’m not kidding!”
So, the other day, this new guy shows up in town, right? Nobody knew where he came from. He wasn’t like the weird hippies or the out-of-towners who usually blow through South Park. No—this guy was different. He looked like a regular dude, but with this freaky rubber chicken mask stuck on his head, like he thought he was born that way or something. Said his name was Chainsaw Chicken. Yeah, that’s his actual name.
At first, everybody thought he was just another South Park crazy. But he didn’t bring a chainsaw, and he didn’t cluck or flap or anything—he just walked around like nothing was weird about having a chicken face. He bought coffee at Tweek’s parents’ shop, nodded at people like he’d lived there forever, and then showed up at the bus stop with us kids the next morning.
Stan kept staring at him.
Kyle was all, “Dude, what the hell is wrong with that guy’s head?”
Cartman, of course, thought it was awesome. “You guys, this dude is gonna be my new best friend. ...
There I was at my doctor’s office. I was seeing him about the goo that was growing between some of my toes. He sent it off for a culture. What happened after that is disgustedly amazing.
Case in point: the goo patch between my toes. I thought it was athlete’s foot. The doctor thought it was athlete’s foot. Turns out, it was history in the making: a sample of goo that became the immortal CSC line — Chain Saw Chicken cells.
Immortal means they don’t die. Ever. They just keep dividing, multiplying, taking up space like in-laws who forgot how to leave. You could drop them in a Petri dish in 1973, and in 2025, they’d still be at the party.
Now, you might have heard of another line like this: HeLa cells, taken from Henrietta Lacks without her consent in 1951. They became the backbone of modern medicine — used to develop the polio vaccine, cancer therapies, gene mapping, you name it. That poor woman’s tumor cells outlived her by decades and made billions for other people.
Well, congratulations, ...
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that as pressure. I saw it as a chance to give back.
One afternoon, I stationed myself at the end of a checkout lane with an empty Aldi box and a heroic sense of purpose. The cashier fired items across the counter faster than I could keep up, while Chainsaw Chicken — a man in a yellow latex chicken mask — packed with painstaking care. He was slow, clumsy, but determined. The older customer smiled at the effort, grateful for the help. The cashier, however, looked like she was witnessing a one-man traffic jam.
That scene captures my Aldi loyalty. It isn’t just about bargains or efficiency — it’s about showing up, adding heart, and making the experience unforgettable. I’ve...
