There I was at my doctor’s office. I was seeing him about the goo that was growing between some of my toes. He sent it off for a culture. What happened after that is disgustedly amazing.
Case in point: the goo patch between my toes. I thought it was athlete’s foot. The doctor thought it was athlete’s foot. Turns out, it was history in the making: a sample of goo that became the immortal CSC line — Chain Saw Chicken cells.
Immortal means they don’t die. Ever. They just keep dividing, multiplying, taking up space like in-laws who forgot how to leave. You could drop them in a Petri dish in 1973, and in 2025, they’d still be at the party.
Now, you might have heard of another line like this: HeLa cells, taken from Henrietta Lacks without her consent in 1951. They became the backbone of modern medicine — used to develop the polio vaccine, cancer therapies, gene mapping, you name it. That poor woman’s tumor cells outlived her by decades and made billions for other people.
Well, congratulations, Henrietta. I’m next in line.
Enter Farm Grown Freshness™. Sounds wholesome, doesn’t it? A nice farm, red barn, smiling cow, apple pie on the windowsill. In reality? It’s a warehouse full of stainless-steel vats burping out beef, pork, fish, and chicken — all genetically bullied out of my immortal toe cells.
They call it “clean meat.” They call it “sustainable.” They call it “farm grown.” Funny how none of that involves a farm, an animal, or anything fresh.
Here’s the kicker: this isn’t a fringe idea.
Bill Gates and other investors have poured millions into companies like UPSIDE Foods and Impossible Foods.
Countries around the world are already banning lab-grown meat (Italy, France, Austria, and a dozen others) because even they see through the shine.
Texas went so far as to pass a law banning its sale altogether, prompting lawsuits from the companies crying foul.
But don’t worry — the marketing department has you covered. They’ll tell you this is “the future of food,” “climate-friendly,” “better than animals.” What they won’t tell you? You might be chewing on Henrietta’s lung cancer or my own immortal toe jam disguised as Salisbury steak.
Picture this: Bill Gates at a barbecue, apron on, spatula in hand. “Part two of my career,” he grins. He slaps a burger on your plate, juices running. “Sink your teeth into the future!”
And you do. And it’s delicious.
And then Chainsaw Chicken whispers in your ear:
“That’s not beef. That’s a metastasis with mustard.”
Mrs. Chicken stands behind me, arms crossed, glaring. “What did you get out of all this?”
I stood up and said “Mr. Gates gave me a full and complete copy of Windows ’97 plus…PLUS Word ’97″… So THERE! https://chainsawchicken.com
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that as pressure. I saw it as a chance to give back.
One afternoon, I stationed myself at the end of a checkout lane with an empty Aldi box and a heroic sense of purpose. The cashier fired items across the counter faster than I could keep up, while Chainsaw Chicken — a man in a yellow latex chicken mask — packed with painstaking care. He was slow, clumsy, but determined. The older customer smiled at the effort, grateful for the help. The cashier, however, looked like she was witnessing a one-man traffic jam.
That scene captures my Aldi loyalty. It isn’t just about bargains or efficiency — it’s about showing up, adding heart, and making the experience unforgettable. I’ve...
I was just leisurely walking around my neighborhood.
“What a wonderful day,” I said out loud, enjoying the warm spring sunshine as it warmed my beak.
As I passed the house of the neighbor I don’t get along with—the one who lets his many cats roam freely—I glanced at the kids’ sandbox.
To my surprise, the usual “kitty biscuits” (the kind cats leave behind) seemed to be arranged in a message. The closer I got, the clearer it became. What a strangely artistic formation of… ah… cat turds. Then it hit me—I could read what it said! At first, I thought it was just a political statement expressing someone’s opinion… until I saw my logo decal!
I took a picture, intending to post it on social media. But given the recent “stink” over a similar (and equally innocent) incident, I decided to share it only with my loyal followers.
Before leaving, I mixed up the bio-deposits, leaving them in the sand so the kids could play undisturbed.
I wonder… did my neighbor ...
Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd had thrown in a last minute bid to acquire the platform called #TicTok and make it a totally domestic. His entry has thrown the high-tech world into a panic,
#Tim Cook from Apple Inc. “Who is this Chainsaw guy?” Others like #Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook/Meta stated, “I don’t find much about him on Google why not?” Then, the director from #Google, #Sundar Pichai, was informed that Google had been restricting this Chainsaw guy, blocking results, keeping him pushed into the shadows”.
“How much money does this guy have?” questioned another media oligarch, #Jeff Bezos.
An aid answered with “I heard that he owns the patent on many of the items used by companies with products and items people use everyday”.
“Schedule a lunch with this guy” said #Musk. “I want to get to know him better”.
